My husband and I have been together for nine years. Before I met him, I had been on an emotional roller coaster and wanted to find stability in my life. I believe my mistake was that I was searching for someone else to provide that stability, and he became my best friend. However, our backgrounds are very different. He grew up in a strong Christian community. As I did not, I didn’t understand his apparent lack of sexual interest in me. I spoke to him about this before marriage but we never truly dealt with it. I assumed it would get better once we were husband and wife. I was wrong. The first year of our marriage was fine because we were working together to completely renovate our house, but ever since then, the lack of passion has bothered me very much. We have seen a counselor about it and efforts are being made to make things better, but I can’t help but feel something will always be missing for me. I know I love and care for him, as he is a great guy, but I don’t think I am in love
with him. My heart feels so torn: Why can’t I just be content with what I have: a stable but emotionally dull relationship? I am so confused. What do you think?
S.
Astrea:
Many people feel as you do after many years of marriage: They love the person they married but they no longer feel the intense passion they did in the beginning.
Every month, popular magazines offer some magic formula for rekindling the passion in a worn-out marriage or dying relationship. Every year, people spend millions of dollars on counseling and various products for the same reason.
We’re taught that life is supposed to be exciting all the time, and we’re conditioned by television and movies to think that we’re always supposed to feel the same about someone we love.
In a thirty-minute situation comedy or an hour-long drama, we see people falling madly in love with one another and living happily ever after. When we see serious relationship conflicts followed by passionate reconciliations week after week, we naturally think we might be missing something.
The reason people can’t be content with what they have is because we’re taught by advertising and the media that we always need and deserve more. Of course, for some people there is always a fly in the food somewhere. If the relationship is satisfying physically, then they feel emotionally bereft; if the relationship is stable, they feel bored.
In real life, living with other people is stressful, and when we feel worn down or overwhelmed, it’s natural to wonder how things could be better. You’ve been with your husband for a long time, however, and that’s worth something too.
Can anyone love anyone else ALL the time? Can passion be constant? When the kids are crying, the dog has left a mess on the floor and the bills are due, it’s pretty darn hard to feel romantic.
I won’t argue that passion drives some relationships. As unrealistic as that is, it’s probably possible. You, however, chose your husband for stability. Even then, you felt you were settling for less excitement than you wanted. Maybe that was a mistake, and maybe not. At the time it seemed like a smart trade-off, but now you’re bored and probably a little lonesome too.
You crave newness and excitement. Millions of people are feeling the same right this moment. The wonderful thing about being human is that we can make changes.
If you talk to your husband sincerely about how you feel, I’m sure the two of you can work this out together. If you can’t do it alone, join a support group and find a good marriage counselor. Let an expert take the heat. If you discover that you really don’t love each other, you can always move on to something else.
*****
Susyn:
Your concerns about your marriage are well-founded. In fact, you bring up an issue that many people are struggling with. People have different views of what marriage can or should be. We all come from different backgrounds, and have all sorts of issues regarding passion and sexuality.
Society has shifted its priorities over the last few decades, and as a whole, we tend to focus on what we think we are missing instead of cherishing what we have. However, your letter suggests that you’ve reached a point where it may be more than passion you are missing in your marriage.
It appears you settled for what could bring you the most stability at the time. Though it may seem like you’re missing something, it’s important to consider whether or not what you want is available to you.
If you’ve done some soul searching and experienced personal growth over the last nine years, then your inner being may be urging you to reach for a higher level of experience. If you haven’t changed within this period, however, you could find yourself right back at the place you were so desperate to leave – on an emotional roller coaster again.
As the only one who can determine whether or not you should stay in this marriage is you, I recommend you seek individual counseling as the first step toward gaining more clarity. In addition, meditation and spiritual practices designed to connect you with your inner truths will help you figure out what your heart and soul are telling you.
Unfortunately, leaving one situation to pursue another is rarely the answer. If you would rather live alone for the rest of your life than remain in a passionless marriage, then you have nothing to lose. Just don’t assume that if you let leave this marriage, another better relationship will appear to take its place.
If you’ve reached the point where you are ready for change, turning to Spirit for direction is definitely the answer. Allowing a higher source to lead you forward is the way to go. If you start to experience signs that it’s time for you open up to other possibilities, the urgings of your heart will lead you to greater fulfillment.
Do keep in mind as you work on yourself that everyone has different ideas about marriage, and there are women who would love to be in your shoes. Your job now is to find out if you can find contentment within instead of looking for it outside of yourself. Once you can find contentment within regardless of outer circumstances, you’ll be able to make a sound choice about your future.
Astrea:
Many times in life we hear, “You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT.” Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown’s book was all it took to get you there.
Even though you hadn’t read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!
While I don’t usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity – you gotta love it!
I like your description of “getting caught.” That’s exactly what it feels like, isn’t it? One minute you’re free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!
As a little kid, I loved that “feeling of return.” With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.
I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family’s interest in “psychic stuff” will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.
You’ll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she’ll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn’t nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it’s STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!
Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.
A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don’t get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you’re doing here on Earth.
You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.