I recently dated someone I liked a great deal but had to break up with him due to the high level of anxiety I got from the relationship. (He kept blowing me off by not calling me back and things like that.) We weren’t together long. Most of the time I am fine with my decision, but there are moments when I am suddenly hit hard with a feeling of utter sadness and regret. I have to stop and consciously work through those overpowering emotions. My brother mentioned to me that it’s possible I’m being affected by his thoughts and feelings. Since the breakup, I have been consciously sending love and forgiveness back to him. I often think that maybe on some other plane somewhere, we are happy together, which makes me feel better. I’m wondering if maybe these sudden waves of emotion are not really mine, but are feelings of his that I am picking up on. If so, what do I do to move on?
S.
Susyn:
A relationship can remain unbalanced for only so long before the person doing all the giving has to move on. When we give too much, we send the other person our energy and power. While they thrive on this, if we do not receive the same in return, we begin to feel anxious, fearful, lost and drained.
I applaud your decision to remove yourself from a relationship that was obviously unhealthy for you. As it is never easy to let go of someone we once hoped would prove to be a long-term partner, your feelings are understandable. Keep in mind that you are not grieving the loss of this person in particular, but the loss of a dream. While he may have had many qualities you want in a mate, it’s also possible that you projected attributes onto him that were not really there.
You mention that you have been sending him thoughts of love and forgiveness. This may be one of the things that keeps you tied to him emotionally and energetically. Whether these sudden thoughts and feelings are originating from him or not, the best thing you can do is to put closure to the relationship and prepare to move forward.
His energy could be holding you back from finding a better relationship. The mind is very powerful; his could be surrounding you with something like a force field that keeps new admirers away. Again, it does not matter if the thoughts are originating from him or from you; the important thing is that they are inhibiting your ability to move on.
It is not easy to control or altogether stop thoughts of a past love. One method I recommend is called corralling, in which you start to construct specific boundaries around your thoughts and emotions. This is like a mental diet, for it involves creating discipline and structure in order to change your habits of thought.
Throughout the day, each time a thought or feeling about your ex arises, stop and tell yourself, I will not think about this now. I will think about it at 9 p.m. Do this throughout the day. At 9 p.m., give yourself 15 minutes to think about him exclusively. When the time is up, return your focus to the moment. If you miss your time, you must wait until the next day at 9 p.m. to think about him. Do this for a few days and you’ll see that you are thinking about him less and less.
If the obsessive thoughts continue, you may also want to use my Freezing Ritual to counteract this endless loop of feelings. This will not harm your ex but it will enable you to free yourself from this pattern. The complete ritual is available at my Kajama profile.
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Oceania:
I don’t think you are picking up on your ex-boyfriend’s emotions; I think he triggered unresolved feelings from your childhood! You now have an opportunity to work through them – that’s the gift of this brief relationship.
As your brother sounds supportive, you might discuss your parents and early family life with him. Together, you can share memories and determine who this ex-boyfriend reminds you of! From your description, he was inconsistent, unreliable, and left you feeling insecure. Does that remind you of anyone?
You mentioned some overpowering emotions. We usually don’t experience that level of intensity in an adult relationship unless it reopens past wounds. As children, we are trapped in our families – there’s no leaving. If we can’t express feelings or be heard, emotions get pushed down inside us and held there under pressure. Remember when you pushed a Jack-in-the-box back down and slammed the lid shut? When we meet someone in adulthood who reminds us of childhood, it’s as if they turned the crank on the Jack-in-the-box; the lid springs open and intense feelings pop out!
We THINK the person who pushed our buttons is responsible for our flood of emotion, but those feelings were packed down inside us long ago. We leave childhood carrying an overflowing suitcase – one we had to sit on top of in order to zip shut.
This baggage is powerful. Until we unpack and sort through it, we tend to avoid any situation that reminds us of what’s inside OR repeatedly choose situations that remind us of what’s inside in an attempt to work through old business indirectly. Either way, the suitcase is controlling us.
One of our jobs in adulthood is to open the suitcase and honor what we find. We need to view the contents realistically and objectively. Once that lid is open, we stop over-reacting. Unless our safety is at risk, adult emotions tend to be relatively mild because we always have the choice to exit a situation.
After separating your ex from whichever parent he most reminds you of, take a fresh look at what happened in this relationship. Did you stay and suffer too long, leave at just the right time, or give up too soon? Only in the last case would it be worth reaching out to him.
You say you liked him a great deal and when you envisioned being with him on another plane, you felt happy. If you can separate your past from your present, you will be better prepared to enjoy relationship success with him or with someone better suited to you.
Astrea:
Many times in life we hear, “You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT.” Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown’s book was all it took to get you there.
Even though you hadn’t read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!
While I don’t usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity – you gotta love it!
I like your description of “getting caught.” That’s exactly what it feels like, isn’t it? One minute you’re free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!
As a little kid, I loved that “feeling of return.” With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.
I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family’s interest in “psychic stuff” will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.
You’ll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she’ll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn’t nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it’s STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!
Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.
A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don’t get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you’re doing here on Earth.
You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.