I keep having a dream about my boyfriend cheating on me with the girl he left me for. (He later came back, saying he had made a mistake.) While I took him back, I can’t stop thinking about it. Every night I dream of catching him cheating with her and I don’t know what to do about it. It makes me feel incredibly angry with him when I wake up from one of those dreams; it puts me in a bad mood from the moment I open my eyes. What should I do?
Jade
Susyn:
Your dreams are evidence that you still carry deep-seated fears and mistrust as a result of your boyfriendís betrayal. Though you have processed this event intellectually, it’s still holding you hostage spiritually and emotionally.
Once you have healed on all levels, these dreams will subside, so let’s explore what you can do to work through this and move on.
It can be very difficult to get past the hurt and pain when a loved one breaks your trust in such a shocking way. Although I don’t sense that your boyfriend is actually cheating on you again with this woman, your dreams are still processing your fear that he might. They also reflect the mistrust that you naturally still feel toward him.
The first thing to do is figure out why he cheated to begin with. There are many reasons people cheat on their partners: immaturity, ego, weak morals and – most commonly – trouble in their primary relationship. If any of these ring true in your situation, you will know where change may be needed in order to align with a better future.
I suspect that you and your boyfriend have not discussed what happened in depth. It sounds like he asked your forgiveness and you took him back, end of story. Perhaps you don’t feel comfortable discussing the details with him. Naturally, it would work against the relationship to begin to question him about where he is, who he’s talking to on the phone, etc. However, until you can process your feelings of betrayal and feel more confident that he won’t cheat again, the disturbing dreams you are having will continue.
The first thing I recommend is that you seek personal counseling for help with processing all of this. You don’t have to involve your boyfriend in this process, as the work you need to do now will be just for yourself. Talking with an objective third party will enable you to express your feelings and ongoing fears about the situation. This will begin the healing process on an emotional and spiritual level.
Though you weren’t the cause of your boyfriendís cheating, this kind of experience could radically affect your confidence and self-esteem. In addition to making you doubt your boyfriend, you could be doubting yourself in all sorts of ways now. As you work to restore your sense of inner peace with a therapist, your trust in yourself will return. When it does, youíll become more aware of what is going on around you and how your relationship is really doing, which will enable you to create the kind of experience you desire and enjoy dreams of a more positive nature.
*****
Oceania:
Radio counselor Laura Schlessinger would ask: Is it a pattern or an incident?
Long-term repetitive patterns are more worrisome than single episodes of poor judgment. She speaks of The Four R’s
that must be addressed in order for a mistake to be forgivable: taking responsibility, expressing remorse, repairing the damage, and taking steps to avoid repetition. To determine if your man has earned your forgiveness, I encourage you to ask yourself if he has met these criteria.
You say you can’t stop thinking about the affair, which indicates that it has become an obessession. Often we obsess on simple outer problems in order to avoid facing more complex emotional matters. Since affairs are symptomatic of underlying relationship problems, I encourage you to look at how you and your boyfriend may no longer be a good match.
If you discover underlying conflicts, you’ll want to explore together whether they’re fixable or whether itís time to part ways. A trial separation might be helpful, though sometimes simply airing things out verbally or in writing makes all the difference. If you want to make things work, I encourage you to remember that he did choose you by ending the affair.
Is it possible youíre dwelling on his betrayal because you have been thinking of leaving? Your dreams about him cheating are fantasies that would give you justification to leave; you donít need to catch him doing wrong to justify leaving him. It may be easier to think of him as the betrayer than it is to see yourself in that role. Do give yourself permission to examine whether this relationship is still good for you regardless of how he feels, for staying in a relationship that no longer fits can mean long-term chronic pain.
Occasionally, an affair does NOT point to a pre-existing problem but is indicative of poor character. If thatís the case, it means your boyfriend is not relationship material
and you’re better off without him.
Eventually, we DO heal from emotional wounds, just as we heal from physical ones. We must be willing to sob, wail and hurt in the short run in order to heal and prepare for a healthier, happier future.
Let’s face it: dreams or no dreams, you are angry! You may fear your anger because you equate it with painful past experiences, but anger is simply energy that tells you something is wrong or hurting you. Use the gift of anger to take positive action, to set healthy boundaries, or to muster up the courage and conviction to release this relationship in favor of something better.
Astrea:
Many times in life we hear, “You will always have what you NEED, but not necessarily what you WANT.” Your spirit must have needed to experience the feeling of leaving your human body, and the suggestion in the next chapter of Sylvia Brown’s book was all it took to get you there.
Even though you hadn’t read it yet, your SOUL recognized the title of that chapter as something it had been seeking, and your soul, knowing that you had that reference to read after your experience, got with it and out you went!
While I don’t usually recommend her books, Sylvia Brown has a wide reaching and powerful effect on lots of people. A Gemini like you would be able to relate easily to her writing and put it to good use. Synchronicity – you gotta love it!
I like your description of “getting caught.” That’s exactly what it feels like, isn’t it? One minute you’re free and hovering above the room, and the next minute, ZAP! back down into your corporeal form you go!
As a little kid, I loved that “feeling of return.” With practice, most of the time we can control that event, but sometimes, when our physical ears hear a distracting noise or something else occurs to knock us back into reality, back we go. With practice you will be able to control your return better.
I find it interesting that you were visiting your mother-in-law and not someone in your own genetic family. Evidently, you and your husband got married for reasons that are even deeper than love. His family’s interest in “psychic stuff” will nurture your children in such matters and help them to grow into their own abilities.
You’ll never have to be concerned that when your daughter visits them, she’ll be discouraged from exploring her own psychic life and power. My parents encouraged me to develop my psychic senses in a time when it wasn’t nice to even discuss such things in public. Heck, it’s STILL not considered a great topic at the dinner table in some families!
Your kids will get to talk about it ALL and ask questions and read and study. This is going to give them such an edge in life! Talk with your husband about how you want to present this to your kiddos, so that you are united in your approach and ready to tell them their experiences are all natural and okay.
A word or two of warning: Geminis often have difficulty staying grounded in REAL LIFE. Don’t get so strung out on your ASTRAL life that you neglect what you’re doing here on Earth.
You are at the beginning of a long journey to learn where your power really lies. Try to be patient with this process and take your time.