by Leta Herman & Jaye McElroy
(Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal.)
Whether you’re currently in a long-term, committed relationship, or just beginning your soul mate search, romantic partners can be confusing. Perhaps you connect fantastically with your new lover in the bedroom…but not so much anywhere else. Perhaps the opposite is true: your relationship feels perfect in every way except when it enters the bedroom.
How can partnerships match up in some ways, but not others? How can we learn to be ourselves—and give our partners the same privilege—without causing friction?
The answers to these questions (and many others) are found in the 3,000 year-old ancient Chinese secret of The Five Elements. It’s all about your energy. Whether you know it or not, your energy is interacting with your lover’s energy, everyday, twenty-four hours a day. Yes, even while you sleep together, your energies are co-mingling! With the power of the Five Elements, discover what you truly want in a relationship, find a lover who matches you energetically, and make your relationship longer-lasting and romantically charged. By learning the Elemental Energy types of you and your partner, you can build a true connection without unrealistic expectations.
First, take a romantic and spiritual journey to discover a mystical and magical new world…and the first assignment is looking at yourself. You must understand your true, authentic self before you can understand anyone else.
What Are the Chinese Elements?
Sometime in the past, about three thousand years ago (nobody knows exactly when), ancient Chinese scholars, philosophers, and physicians began documenting theories of the Five Elements—Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water on human behavior and the nature of energy in the universe.
The Five Elements don’t only relate to love; they relate to everything, including the seasons of the year. They influence every aspect of life and even how people move. Every movement you make is influenced energetically by these Five Elements.
What Element are you: Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, or Water? Every person has all Five energies—just in a different order, or what we call your “stack up” of Elements. Your first Element is what your current lover responds to most often. It’s also the Element that motivates you in life. It is the primary way you move in life and in love. Our book, The Energy of Love, presents various ways to identify key traits and attributes of the Five Elements in any person, so you can identify your first Element (as well as your others) and that of your partner. Read the descriptions below to see which Element resonates with you more than the others:
- Wood: Winning in the Bedroom and in the Boardroom
Are you the type of person that sets a goal for everything you do?
If you’re the Wood Element, then you’re a natural leader with a friendly yet commanding tone of voice. When you speak, people come to attention (not to mention dogs). When you’re in a good place in life, you can be quite charismatic when you want to be. You’re playful, fun-loving, good at negotiating deals (big or small), and gracious when winning competitive events. In a mate, you might be looking for someone who is interested in doing interesting things with you, someone who can keep up with the flurry of activities and hobbies you might have.
You like to do big things in life. Simple dating isn’t enough; you need to make sure your dates have the best experiences possible, especially in the beginning of the romance. When you’re happy, everyone is happy—and you’re happy when you can make your lover happy. Some Elemental types enjoy slow, lazy sex. Not Wood! For Wood, sex is an athletic event—with a lot of sweat and effort for the ultimate achievement. You strive for the win-win in the bedroom as well as in the boardroom.
Woods can sometime approach dating like it’s fourth quarter at the Super Bowl with two minutes left on the clock. You’ve got a goal, and a strategy, and it’s time to execute the plan. You find the best restaurant and somehow get a table reservation. You might love to find the best cool thing to do for a first date (hot air balloon, hike to a secret waterfall, or VIP box seats at a baseball game.) You can tackle all this with the seriousness of negotiating an important contract. If you are really into someone, you’re intent on winning them over, no matter what. It is the Wood way.
- Fire: Too Hot to Handle?
Are you the type who cares more about people than things? Fires are very talkative, friendly, and full of smiles! They can sometimes be a bit shy and vulnerable, especially with new people they meet, but they are always smiling. At first, dating can make you uncomfortable and uneasy, so you may not do the dating thing a lot. You are constantly putting your heart out on your sleeve, and you might find yourself compensating by talking too much or not enough. Once you’re sure the new person likes you, you can start to relax and be yourself.Romance is in the air, and your heart is a flutter. Do you approach dating like it’s a flirting contest, both bold and shy at the same time? Do you prefer to have a quiet romantic dinner and then perhaps dance the night away or go somewhere and talk so you can gaze in each other’s eyes on a starry night? Romantic sigh.Once you’re sure your new love is really into you, you can turn up the heat and be very hot in bed, burning up those sheets like a fireman heading to a four-alarm fire! You also want to give and receive love at the same time so that you can both feel a deep heart connection, so a lover who is the taking-turns-type is just not going to work for you. Connection through the eyes is a true sign of Fires, and a major facet of the Fire Element in love.
- Earth Makes the World Go Round
Are you the type of person who really cares (and listens) and takes care of everyone?You love sharing food, thoughts, and caring all the time. Earth is very even, centered, social, and friendly (in the boy or girl next door kind of way). You’re the reliable kind, like old school “good marrying” material—sensual but steady is a good way. Don’t think this is boring by any means; Earth can be very romantic and make little earthquakes in the bedroom—so to speak.Your idea of a date isn’t quite so elaborate as other Elements. Do you prefer a romantic evening cooking a four-course meal, sharing bottle of wine, and talking about deep meanings of life? Sharing interesting ideas and philosophies is your idea of foreplay! Being intimate isn’t just a meeting of two bodies, but of two minds as well.
Sex for Earth is a sensual, slow, sharing event. You want to really give to your lover and take turns receiving. You have an innate sense of what will feel fantastic for your lover. Everything can be slow. Connection occurs through touch and sharing. You support your lovers, and your support is reliable and constant. Earth can move mountains if they are so motivated for a lover.
- Metal: The Oh-So-Cool Metal Factor
Are you the type who hangs back and waits for people to come to you in a mysterious, alluring kind of way?You like to be mellow and hang out with friends on a regular basis. But when you have a new lover, you like to be very romantic, even chivalrous! You have a mystery about you that people are attracted to, and they often pursue you with fervor. You love being the object of pursuit. Why not?Do you approach a date like a limo driver, ready to quietly serve with extreme attentiveness and respect? Your romantic dreamy dates might include a quiet walk through a museum, a tandem bike ride, or a beautiful drive in the country with your date. The quietness is a time to connect so they can evaluate your level of sincerity. Metals prefer authenticity in their close romantic connections.
Your slower nature also shows up in bed. Sex for Metals is an experience of the senses that requires taking your time and enjoying whatever you’re doing. Why rush when you can take all night? Sensuality takes on a whole new meaning with Metal, as they can be white-hot lovers all night long.
- Water: Ripple, or Raging River of Love?
Are you the type of person who loves to be silly and laugh hysterically?You like intensity, whether it’s laughing hysterically, acting silly, or doing something a little dangerous (but always within your safety zone). You might want to go hang-gliding with your lover or sit on the couch and play an intense hang-gliding video game. Both are fun, and either is okay with you! You want someone who likes to do those things, too. How about going to an amusement park, a huge rock concert, or perhaps a night out for hilarity at the local comedy show. After a bit of intensity, you also like to relax and think about your next adventure together—so having someone to be a couch potato with after a day of fun is great way to shore up the romance.For Water Elements, sex can be like an electrifying surge of energy in bed. The question is: Can your partner keep up with this intensity? You like to build up the energy and then make it last, anticipating, but keeping the crescendo from ending. With your lovers, you can feel a deep, wordless connection. Waters go with the flow and love being in that flow.
Love: Want It, Find It, Keep It!
Want It
Finding your energetic match isn’t as easy as saying that all Waters are attracted to Fires, or that all Woods love Metals. Ha! If only it were that easy! Unfortunately, such magical formulae for a lonely heart are oversimplifications of how energy works.
In fact, the type of person you’re attracted to energetically is much more about where you are in your life, today, right now. Most people go through different periods of their lives where they’re more attracted to a particular energy or another. These attractions shift and change as you mature. In your younger years, you might want someone who is your opposite energy. Opposites attract, right? It’s true in the Five Elements as well. If you look at the majority of young adult relationships, you’ll find this to be true energetically. They often pick people who are very different, which amplifies the sexual attraction. Conversely, people in midlife often gravitate to relationships that are very compatible and may not have as much sexual “heat” initially.
The question is: what type of relationship do you want right now in your life?
To find the relationship you’re looking for, first take some time to evaluate where you are in your life. Usually lovers have different energy types. Truthfully, it can be a little boring to partner with someone who is the same energy—like dating yourself. But maybe you just want someone to really, truly get you like no other. Dating someone of the same energy type would achieve this goal. Or perhaps you want a relationship with more spice and fire? Someone with the opposite energy will bring you the excitement you’re looking for. If you want something that feels easy and calm but with enough variety to make it interesting, you can find someone whose energy type is more compatible to yours. Let your stage of life guide you as to what you truly desire right now.
Find It
Once you determine what type of person you’re looking for, The Energy of Love can help you identify that person. Imagine you’re on a first date. You see that person drive up, get out of the car, and walk toward you. Just by how they walk, hold their bodies, and the tone of their voice, you can know within the first few minutes whether this is the type of energy you really want in your life right now. It doesn’t have to be like winning the lottery to have a good first date.
If, after you start the first date, you are thinking this is not “the one,” you can still enjoy the date of course, but now you can really decide if that second date is going to happen. You’ll better know what you want and how to find love and romance. It’s time to be true to yourself and not settle for the first person that comes along and is interested in you.
However, if this new person is the type you’ve been looking for, you’ll now have some new tools to foster better communication. The Energy of Love explains the differences in how each Elemental type thinks, acts, and loves—to the point where you could almost predict how they will be energetically. Imagine knowing better what NOT to say on those first dates so you don’t send that perfect lover running in the opposite direction!
Keep It
The Energy of Love won’t just help you find your perfect lover. Once you’ve found that ideal partner, how are you going to hang onto that special someone?
The Five Elements bring acceptance to relationships. Understanding them helps you accept your lover’s “quirks” as the normal behavior for people of their energy type. That way, when your partner does the darnedest things that used to make no sense whatsoever, you no longer feel compelled to ask your partner to be someone they’re not.
This is the biggest gift to your relationship. From that place you can grow and learn in a positive way. You can even learn, from a place of acceptance, how to modify your natural behaviors because you love each other. We have found that in most cases, if both partners take an interest in the Five Elements and how it affects their relationship, they can work out their differences. It takes two to tango, so go out and dance the dance of a lifetime with The Energy of Love.
Article originally published in The Llewellyn Journal. Copyright Llewellyn Worldwide, 2014. All rights reserved.